Episode 19: uh oh
A few months have passed.. the tour is winding down. JC has tried every day to call the house Amanda and Alex share but to no avail.. Alex won't talk to him. But every night before she goes to bed, Amanda calls JC and gives him 'the alex report' and then talks to Lance. Amanda is so very excited. In 2 weeks Momma Bass herself will be coming to her house and will help her move into Lance's phat mississippi digs.. sweet... but everyones plans get shaken up....
Alex has been feeling really sick lately.. she pukes alot.. usually right after she wakes up.. Amanda told her "its just stress, call Josh" and Alex ignores her.. But after a few months of it happening every day, and other weird changes Amanda takes her to the doctor.
They run some tests... blood tests, pee samples.. and a pregnancy test. Amanda and Alex sit and chat about how cute Amanda's Mississippi babies will be when the doctor comes back in..
Doctor: Excuse me.. Miss... sorry, this doesn't say you're last name
Alex: well call me Alex then...
Doctor: alright Alex, we have gotten the tests results back and..
Amanda: is she gonna die?
Amanda: does she have mono?
Amanda: well whats wrong with her?
DR: well.. Miss.. Alex.. it seems that you are.. pregnant...
BAM! She passes out... not Alex though.. Amanda... after she comes to, she sees Alex sitting outside in the waiting room totally dazed...
Amanda: I have to tell you something
Alex: I can't take anymore suprises today, just tell me
Amanda: I've been talking to josh.. like.. everyday
Amanda: I know, I know.. you hate him.. whatever, but c'mon alex... now you HAVE to talk to him... he's yo baby's daddy
Amanda: umm.. what?
Alex: um.. you're full of shit
So they leave and Amanda drives Alex home. Momma Bass calls and informs Amanda that she'll be there tomarrow to pick her up and take her back to Mississippi with her.. but now things have changed. Amanda can't leave Alex alone.. not now.. not like this...
So after some phone calls, some runs to Costco and the bank, Alex returns from her walk 'to clear her head' to find not only all Amanda's stuff boxed up as it had been, but hers too.
Amanda: you're coming with me
Amanda: to Mississippi, you're coming with me. Momma Bass and I will take care of you.. we're gonna live in Lance's house. Then After the baby is born you and Josh can get a house somewhere else.. hopefully close by...
Alex: who said I was moving in with JC?
Amanda: I did
Alex: what? amanda...
Amanda: shut the hell up for a minute. Stop being so godamn stubborn. Do you even know what the boy has been through for you? Do you know what he's done? He's given it up. completly.. he hasn't even spoken to Jerome since that night in vegas. He hasn't done any drugs since then. He hasn't even smoked or drank or anything. He goes to church now.. every sunday he goes and prays for a miracle to bring you two together. Don't you get it? He loves you, and you know you still love him, and this is your miracle. Things don't just happen for a reason, you are pregnant because its a sign from god that you and joshua are meant for each other.
Alex: Amanda, I am pregant because the bastard didn't have any condoms and got me knocked up.. not becuase its a sign from god.
Amanda: well whatever... you go ahead and think that way. be so negative.. I just hope that you come to your goddamn senses before you do anything retarded like leave JC
Alex: I've already left JC
Amanda: well you're back together with him.. you have to be, you are living with him after all
Amanda: you, JC, Lance and I are living together.. in Mississippi.. now sit down and chill becuase Momma Bass will be here anytime now...
Alex: AMANDA! what in the hell have you done?
Amanda: made everbody happy.. we'll move into Lance's house, and then in a week the boys will be back and everbody will live happily ever after
Alex: Amanda, get over it. this isn't a fairy tale.. this isn't a stupid story, this is real life.. nothing works out, no one lives happily ever after.. we get old, and we die
Amanda: No, you get over it. Life is crap and then we die UNLESS we make it better than that, and if you are too assinine to see that, and go for your happiness I will myself and I WILL HAVE OUR FUCKING FAIRY TALE ENDING!
Momma Bass: Amaaaanda? (southern people rock SO hard)
Amanda:*suddenly all sweet* oh! hello!
Momma Bass and Amanda hug and sit on the couch and drink tea and have a happy little time trying to include Alex in there little tea party. Alex just sits there cynically thinking about what an ass Jc is, and what a bitch Amanda is. She knows shes just trying to help, but generally you ask someone before you pack all their stuff and send it off half way across the country while they are on a walk. Diane (Momma Bass' real name..) and Amanda go get some of the luggage and put it in the car and then Momma Bass comes back in and walks Alex out to the car.
Momma Bass: Amanda tells me that you and Joshua are expecting... how long have you two been married? I can't belive that James never told me you two were married
Alex: We're not
Momma Bass: oh, you aren't pregnant?
Alex: no, I'm knocked up but we aren't married
Momma Bass: but..
Alex: yeah, we had sex and we weren't married... ALOT... ALOT of premarital sex... like 10 times a day..
Amanda: *hearing the word 'premarital sex'* Oh, Diane she's just so very tired... c'mon alex.... he he he *uneasy laugh*
Momma Bass: oh.. hehe.. *more nervous laughter*
Momma Bass goes back into the house after she relizes she left the little scrapbook of lance's whole life she brought to show Amanda on the plane...
Amanda: You are so lucky you are pregnant, I sware I would bitch slap you
Alex: whatever, this is your fault Mrs. Mississippi housewife... I can't believe you are kissing her ass and acting like some southern little frail dim witted princess... you know this is complete and total bullshit, all of this.. why aren't you straight up with her...
Amanda: and say what exactly? 'yes momma bass, I am marrying your son because we just got back together after some slut seduced and brain washed him and tried to screw him, but don't worried.. he got all hard and shit then called out my name, did you understand that? yes, lance had impure thoughts about me... and if it was up to him, we'd be already doing it.. thats what he told me last night when he called me and wanted to have phone sex.. because Alex's boyfriend whom shes had ALOT of premarital sex with told him it was a good idea..'
Alex: yeah, except he's not my boyfriend amanda...
Amanda: oh get fucked alex.. damn really..
Alex: I'm going to say no, thats what got me knocked up in the first place
Amanda: Just be nice to her okay? She's an amazing lady, and most of all I'm going to be stuck with her for as long as I'm with Lance, and according to him, thats the rest of my freakin' life so ya know what? Let's just wait until' I have the ring on my finger to start telling her things that aren't 'need to know' becuase frankly, the fact the her son has been jumped on top of in his bunk, almost given oral sex and slept in the same bed with a woman before he was married are things that she DOESN'T need to know.
Alex: she heard digital getdown... she knows these boys aren't angels
Amanda: oh no she doesn't, she still thinks that the record company people made them sing that song and that lance doesn't get it...
Alex: fool... btw, did you have phone sex with him?
Amanda: no, my name isn't Amy.. ahaha
Alex: oh yeah huh? oh well... yeah you're right
Momma Bass: *coming out of the house* okay! ready!
So the three women drive off to the airport after closing up the house and saying goodbye to washington for ahile, and head for Mississippi...
They board the plane where alex tries to order a margarita before Amanda stops the waitor and tells him she'd like an apple juice instead... pregnant women aren't to have booze or caffine.... it hurts the baby. Amanda is going to be Alex's brand new dietician.. Alex is all pissy and calls out some beligerant names to Amanda before laying down for a nap... After a 3 hour flight... and 3 hours of stories of Lance's little league mishaps, Mississippi showstopper days and elementry school girlfriends (Lance hasn't had a girlfriend since 5th grade when some little boy, ironically enough, named Justin started a rumor that he was gay, except for Mary Sue Jane but she doesn't really count.. Momma Bass calls her 'that odd toothless girl') and pictures of every little damn thing inbetween, Amanda is almost had TOO much information about lance.
Finally the plane lands and they
arrive in Mississippi... poppa Bass picks the girls up (daddy
Bass is really nice I bet..) and drive them to Lance's crib where
the U-Haul truck has already dropped there stuff off, and he and
Lance's big manly stalion cousins have unloaded all their worldly
possessions and put them into rooms.
Alex makes her way to her room, a pretty blue one with a bed and an dresser and everything new.. not hers... apparently Lance's house is fully furnished and Amanda felt no need to include HER things in the truck. Amanda's bed and things however were also left behind to make way for Alex's things.
Amanda's room is pretty.. very southern belle.. its pink and has a amazing *single* bed and alot of pretty Amanda things.
Momma Bass offers to stay and cook the girls dinner, but Amanda graciously declines but promising to have Momma and Poppa Bass over so that she can 'cook them a really fabulous meal just as soon as James gets home'... great.. she's talking like Momma Bass now too.. oh well.. so she's rubbed off on her...
Alex is way pissed and about to scream and Amanda when Amanda tells her to "save it for 5 minutes, there is a phone call" and runs over to the phone and says "hello?"
Lance: ahh... so Momma was right.. you are there
Amanda: oh my goodness... sweetie... hi.. my golly, I haven't seen your house... more like mansion.. its so fabulous
Lance: go hang out with Alex awhile.. you are talkin' like Momma.. with your 'golly's and 'fabulous's... girl... you alone?
Amanda: ahaha! you said girl were you alone... by the way which room is yours?
Lance: you mean ours? the one your stuff is in darlin'
Amanda: you sleep in a single light pink bed and light pink striped wall paper?
Lance: god damn it... I told Billy Bob to put your things in my room... he must of heard from Momma before I got to him..
Amanda: oh james watch your language....
Lance: oh my god.. go watch 'friday' or something... this is just like talking to a less southern, super sexy Momma.. that grosses me out
Amanda: oh c'mon.. how bout' I just whisper things and call you James and tell you all about you're 3rd grade girlfriend Betty Lou
Alex: *leaving* aw, fuck it
Lance: no! she showed you the scrap book didn't she..
Amanda: every last page..
So after like 2 hours of Amanda talking to Lance, Alex is too tired to scream at her anymore, and she just goes to bed. She'll scream at her in the morning...
Alex wakes up and wanders around the big ass house for awhile looking for the kitchen.. she finally finds it and starts chowin' down on the fully stocked fridge full of food Momma Bass has put in their house. She thinks Momma Bass is trying to make Amanda southern by subconciously force feeding her corn bread and yams and stuff... but in the back of the cubboards she finds some doughnuts and starts drinkin' a gallon of milk... she hears a voice and figures its just Amanda... so after like a half hour pig out a thon, she walks around looking for a bathroom to take a shower in... she opens a door hoping shes hit the jack pot when she relzies thats the front door where sees Lance and JC standing there with armsfull of luggage and crap, and about 10 dozen roses... 5 dozen are pink, and the other ones are all red...
Alex: oh... *slamming the door and walking away*
Lance: Alex? wow.. good to see you sweetie... *trying to hug her*
Alex: get the fuck off me mississippi... I suppose this was half your idea too.. forcing me to have a happy little reunion with... with.. that.. *pointing to a shut door*