Episode 11 ~ Mary Sue Jane
The guys were chillin one day in the bus,
playing playstation when Lances cell phone rang. It was his old
girlfriend from mississippi... Mary Sue Jane.... you see, Mary
Sue Jane was lances girlfriend from high school... she just got
away from her failed marriage (they marry young ya know..cuz'
he's from mississippi) and wanted to see what he was up to. She
heard on MTV that they would be in Jacksonville on Saturday, and
she wanted to know if he'd like to see her. Lance said that it
would be fun to see some old friends, and of course he'd like to
see her. Well on Saturday, as they rolled into Jacksonville, poor
little lance couldn't have known what was gonna happen.
After the concert, Mary Sue Jane had come to the bus to hang out with the boys. everything was going well until' she asked lance if he wanted to go for a walk with her. Just then.. as they were walking around the venue... Mary Sue Jane grabbed lance and attacked him... kissing him and making him feel wanted. Just like she had always kissed him.. even though they hadn't dated since 9th grade.
He had been waiting for someone to care
about him. Since Amanda had left, sure the guys and him had been
getting along great, better than they had all year, but he was
missing something. He was missing the love that Amanda gave him.
Someone to laugh at his jokes and to hold..... thats what Mary
Sue Jane was doing.. she wanted to care for him... or so he
So he kissed her back. with reckless
abandon, he held her tightly and kissed her.... but the one
little problem was, he couldn't shake the image of Amanda from
his mind.... he decided it was okay to do that. Mary Sue Jane
looked nothing like Amanda though. She was tall with bleach
blonde trailer park trash hair... all teased up with hours of
carefull pulling and about a case of 'aqua net'.... those
mississippi girls. She talked with very poor grammar and had very
little education... and had very ugly, rotten, black teeth.
He knew he didn't love her... but somehow... he didn't really want anything but to be held right now. He didn't even like her.. or want her.... but she was there... and Amanda wasn't
The next few months seem like a blur to
him. By some strange twist of fate, Mary Sue Jane decided that
"she'd love to travel wit y'all lancey" even though he
doesn't remember asking her too.
One day sittin' in the back of the bus, watching dukes of hazzard, Lance was looking at Mary Sue Jane, doing the usual... imaging she was Amanda. He did that every waking minute..he just pretended that this ugly shell of a woman was his princess.... when they were kissing.. he pictured her face.. while they were watching TV, he would look over and suddenly she would blur out and Amanda would appear. One night, Mary Sue Jane invited herself into lance's bunk.
He knew she wasn't a virgin, and he vaguely
thought that he wasn't either. But the situation ended abrubtly
when Mary Sue Jane was whispering 'things' to lance when he
inadvertantly moaned out "oh amanda,"
Mary Sue Jane got herself right out of that bunk "faster than a sweaty pig on christmas" (damn mississipians.. make no sense)
Mary Sue Jane had big plans for her and
Lance..... and one day... about 2 months after their
"reunion"... she told him she wanted to get married. In
this.. in this strage schizophrentic haze of life lance had been
living in... he decided that this was Amanda asking to get
married... not Mary Sue Jane. So he said "okay
princess" and the plans were beginning to be made.
No media was told... infact no one was
told. Just Mary Sue Jane, Lance, Mary Sue Jane's sister...
Maryloo Sue Jane (the maid of honor of course) and Lonnie who
would be the witness... they planned on doing it May 4th, Lance's
birthday. (happy freakin' birthday right?)... they only had a
week to plan. They told lonnie and Maryloo Sue Jane ahead of
time, and booked 4 plane tickets to LAS VEGASS!! (on a side note:
VIVA LAS VEGAS!!! hehe i love that song)... as the day rolled
around, it still hadn't hit lance. YOU'RE MARRYING TRAILER PARK
TRASH! but... to no avial, the wedding went on.
Mary Sue Jane however had other plans... she would marry lance, go on the honey-moon, take his virginity...get pregnant so even if he wanted to, he could never leave her. (or so says mississippi marriage law #2784962476539742) then she could have affairs on the side and everything, then if he did divorce her, sue his ass for child support and big ole' hefty percent of his net value
Lonnie tried to tell him.. "lance you need a pre-nup"... "lance, shes gonna steal your money" but everytime, all he would say was "Amanda would never do that to me."
The day before the ceremony, Mary Sue Jane took lance shopping and made him buy her the most expesive ring, dress and lingerie she could find.. after spending nearly 9,000$... she was satified and they went back to the hotel.
The next day was a bright and shining Las Vegas day, Mary Sue Jane and Lance rode in seperate cars to the wedding chapel... (its bad luck to see the bride, even if she is a gold digger, before the wedding)
They finally got there and the ceremony began